Knowing the four steps and knowing which one you need today are different things. Here is how to work out where to start.
The steps run in order, and each depends on the one before it. But you do not begin from zero every time something happens. On any given day you are already partway along, and the useful question is where the process is currently stuck.
Four questions will tell you.
Can you name what you are feeling?
If the answer is no, if there is just a fog, or a heaviness, or a general sense that something is off, you need Mindfulness.
Nothing further is available yet. You cannot be kind about something you have not identified, and you certainly cannot examine a belief you have not noticed. Start by finding out what is actually here.
What to do: a body scan, or noting. Ten minutes of observing what is present without trying to change it. Look for the sensation first, then whatever meaning is attached to it.
Are you attacking yourself about it?
If you can name it but the naming has turned into a case against yourself, you need Compassion.
This is the most common place to get stuck, and the easiest to miss, because self-criticism disguises itself as honesty. If your observations all sound like accusations, awareness has become ammunition.
Nothing useful will surface while that is happening. Beliefs only come into view when it is safe for them to appear.
What to do: self-compassion or loving kindness practice. Or simply ask what you would say to a friend describing exactly this, and then say that.
Do you know what belief is underneath it?
If you can name the feeling and you are not attacking yourself for it, but you cannot say what is driving it, you need Insight.
The surface explanation is rarely the real one. You were not upset because of the email. You were upset because of what you concluded from the email.
What to do: the 5-Whys. Or ask which of the three themes is low: am I not trusting that I can handle this, am I not valuing myself here, or am I fighting something I cannot control?
Can you see the belief but it will not shift?
If you know exactly what you believe, you can see it is exaggerated, and it still has hold of you, you need Reframing.
Seeing that a belief is inaccurate does not automatically loosen it. Certainty is what holds a belief in place, and certainty comes down through evidence rather than through argument.
What to do: test it. What facts support this? What facts contradict it? What is a more reasonable version? And keep the step small, because a replacement belief you do not believe will not take.
A Shortcut
If you cannot answer any of these because everything is too loud, do not start with the questions. Start with the body.
Slow, steady breathing. Four counts in, hold four, four out, hold four. Or scan for held tension and let it go. Neither requires any analysis, and both make analysis possible again.
There is no credit for working on the right step while overwhelmed.
Micro Practice: Locate Yourself
Next time something knocks you off balance, run the four questions in order.
- Can I name what I am feeling?
- Am I being kind about it or building a case?
- Do I know what belief is underneath?
- Can I see it clearly but it will not move?
The first one you answer no to is where you are working today.
One More Thing
You will not always catch this in the moment, and that is fine. Working through it afterwards is not a lesser version of the process. Most of the value in the 4-Steps™ comes from reflection after the event, and the ability to do it in real time develops from there rather than the other way round.
To start practising, go to Practice.
