Theme Two
Value
Value is the belief that we matter.
Not that we are better than anyone. Not that we have earned our place through achievement. Value is the plainer belief that we are worth something simply as we are, and that this does not have to be renegotiated every time we fall short.
When value is steady, a mistake is something we did. When it is thin, the same mistake becomes evidence about who we are. The event is identical. What differs is what it is allowed to say about us.
What Value Beliefs Sound Like
These are the quietest beliefs we hold, and often the oldest.
When value is low
- ✗There is something wrong with me
- ✗I am only worth what I produce
- ✗If they knew me properly they would leave
- ✗I do not deserve to take up room
When value is steady
- ✓I made a mistake and I am still worth something
- ✓I have something to offer by being who I am
- ✓Their approval is welcome and not required
- ✓I can be imperfect and still belong here
The left column judges the person. The right column judges the event. That is the entire difference.
Value Is the Antidote to Shame
Where trust answers fear, value answers shame and the contempt that follows it.
Shame arrives when we conclude that we are flawed rather than that we did something wrong. Contempt is what happens next, when we turn that judgment on ourselves for failing to meet a standard we absorbed somewhere along the way. The same judgment can point outward at other people, and usually does when our own sense of worth is unsteady.
Shame
I am not good enough, and it is visible.
Self-Contempt
I should be better than this by now.
Unworthiness
I do not deserve this kindness.
Contempt for Others
They should be better than this too.
These are heavy emotions to carry. They make it hard to feel connected, hard to take any pride in what we do, and hard to believe we are owed the ordinary things: respect, affection, a good day.
There is nothing broken about you. The belief underneath the shame is simply wrong about that.
What Psychology Calls This
The research literature calls this self-esteem, and the route to it is less obvious than it sounds.
Self-esteem is the recognition of our own worth independent of our successes, our failures, our appearance, or anyone’s approval. It gives us a floor that does not move when a particular day goes badly.
The obvious way to raise it would be to achieve more. That does not work for long, because worth built on achievement has to be re-earned continually, and the standard keeps rising.
What does work is changing how we speak to ourselves when we fall short. That is where the research points, and it is a different job from succeeding more often.
The evidence
Work by Kristin Neff on self-compassion finds that treating ourselves with kindness when we suffer or fall short raises self-esteem and reduces shame. Part of the mechanism is what she calls common humanity: recognising that imperfection and struggle are not personal defects but the shared condition of being a person.
Value is not earned by doing more. It is uncovered by judging less.
Building Value
Three places to work, none of which involve achieving anything.
One
Answer the Inner Critic
Notice the voice that narrates your shortcomings, and reply to it the way you would reply to a friend saying those things about themselves.
Two
Name Your Own Qualities
Not accomplishments. Qualities. The things you bring to a room whether or not the day went well.
Three
Extend It Outward
Seeing worth in other people and in the world around us makes us less judgmental overall, and the judgment we drop includes our own.
Try this
One. Bring to mind something you have been criticising yourself for.
Two. Write the sentence your inner critic is using. The actual words, not a summary of them.
Three. Now imagine a good friend saying that exact sentence about themselves, and write what you would say back. Then read your reply as though it were addressed to you, because it is.
Value and the Other Two
Low value quietly lowers the other two.
If we do not believe we are worth much, we are slower to believe we can handle things, and quicker to fight reality for not treating us better. Worth sits underneath a great deal.
Changing it is the work of the 4-Steps™, and compassion in particular. Value is the theme that step was built for.
