Some of the beliefs we carry have a young quality to them. They are absolute, unexamined, and they do not sound like an adult assessment of anything. Speaking to the child who formed them is a direct way to practice compassion.
Where These Beliefs Come From
Our brains learn by linking things together. When two things occur together, particularly with any emotional intensity, the brain connects them and becomes certain about the connection.
Imagine a child looking at a picture of a dog when a balloon bursts nearby. The child has no experience of dogs being dangerous, but the brain links the two events. From then on, dogs feel threatening. The child did not decide this. The connection formed on its own, and the certainty attached to it makes it feel like a fact.
Beliefs about ourselves form the same way. Being picked on at school. A parent who was not able to be supportive. A moment of humiliation that landed hard. None of these were decisions. They were links, made quickly, and then reinforced.
A Necessary Caveat
Here is where this kind of work often goes wrong, so it is worth being clear.
You do not need to find the origin of a belief in order to change it.
Most beliefs do not have one clean source. They were built from many experiences over many years, and hunting for the single formative event can become its own project, one that postpones the actual work indefinitely.
What matters is knowing what you believe now, in detail. That is what makes change possible. Origins are interesting, and occasionally illuminating, but they are not required.
So treat this as a compassion practice rather than an archaeology project. You are not excavating. You are offering something to a version of yourself that did not receive it at the time.
The Practice
The idea is simple. You speak to yourself as a child, as the adult you now are, and you say the things you needed to hear then.
Two ways to do it. Stand in front of a mirror and speak to your reflection. Or find a photograph of yourself as a child and speak to that. The photograph is often easier to begin with, because the emotional distance makes it more manageable.
Micro Practice: Speaking to Your Younger Self
- Find a photograph of yourself as a child, or sit in front of a mirror.
- Take three breaths and look properly. Take your time.
- Bring to mind one belief you have been carrying that feels like it has been there a long time.
- Now say to that child what you would say to any child carrying it. Out loud, if you can.
- Notice what happens in your body. If resistance comes up, let it be there. It is telling you something.
- Finish with a few breaths and thank yourself for practicing.
What you say matters less than that you mean it. Some things that tend to land: that what happened was not their fault. That they did not deserve it. That they were doing the best they could with what they understood at the time. That there is nothing wrong with them.
If you have already worked out an affirmation for a particular belief, this is a good place to use it. So is naming something you are genuinely grateful to that child for.
If It Feels Strange
It probably will, at least at first. Most of us have no practice speaking to ourselves with any warmth, and doing it out loud can feel self-conscious.
That awkwardness is worth noticing rather than pushing through. It usually points at a belief about whether you deserve the kindness you are offering, and that belief is itself worth examining.
Go gently. This is not an endurance test, and forcing yourself into distress is not the aim. Building the skill of being with your own experience is.
If something distressing surfaces, remember that you are observing it and it is not dangerous. Many people find this practice difficult. You are not alone in that, and you are safe.
Where This Leads
This is Compassion practice, and it feeds directly into Insight. What you notice yourself resisting is often the most useful thing that comes out of a session.
Related practices: Mirror Work and Exercises, Counseling Yourself, and Affirmations.
